


Losing Sirius Black

by tainara_black



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Death, Grief/Mourning, Grimmauld Place, HP My Bloody Valentine 2021, Hurt No Comfort, I Am Sorry, Lost Love, M/M, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Queen music, RS Romance, Remus is sad and angry, Remus managing his loss, Sirius just fell through the veil, losing loved one, so am I, this was supposed to be romance but is just plain angst, wizarding war, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:15:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29412513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tainara_black/pseuds/tainara_black
Summary: There was something thick and bitter in the back of his throat, a heavy massive pain in his chest.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17
Collections: My Bloody Valentine 2021, R/S Romance Fest





	Losing Sirius Black

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt A3: Love of my Life, by Queen
> 
> THIS IS AN ANGST FIC. Please be warned. It is very sad. I'm sorry. Couldn't help myself and I blame Queen.  
> Huge thanks to Mari for doing such an amazing beta work on this sad shit. <3 
> 
> again, I AM sorry :'(

_º_

_Love of my life, don't leave me_

_You've taken my love, and now desert me_

_Love of my life, can't you see?_

_º_

When Sirius' body disappeared beyond the veil, Harry cried out, there was a commotion of movement and sound, and Bellatrix laughed. Remus only had time to grab onto Harry before he decided to jump after Sirius, muttering to him that he couldn’t save Sirius, that it was over, as the boy cried.

Remus wasn’t sure if his words were directed at Harry or at himself. Saying there was no coming back, trying to stop them both from jumping into the unknown in a surreal sense of despair, desperation and heroics. He couldn’t keep his strength for long, and soon enough Harry had escaped his arms and ran after Bellatrix.

He wished he was the one running after her. He wished he could turn and rip her throat open. 

But he only stared at the veil. Hexes, spells and curses flying around him, everywhere. Someone shouting his name and then the strong murmur of the veil, calling him in. But the voices of the living were louder, telling him to _move, c’mon, wake up!_ Telling him to fight, to not give up, to pay attention. 

So he did it. Remus' body moved on autopilot, wand cutting through the air, spells flying from his lips. He wasn’t even aware of what he was doing but he let the fight response work itself without thinking.

They needed to survive, to thrive. They had a cause, a goal. To win the war. To keep Harry safe.

_º_

_You will remember when this is blown over_

_And everything's all by the way_

_When I grow older I will be there at your side_

_To remind you how I still love you_

_º_

The image of Sirius falling to the other side, crossing the veil, disappearing, with his smile dying on his lips was still stuck in Remus' mind. He didn't know what to feel. In fact he wasn’t feeling anything at all. He knew Sirius died, but somehow he couldn’t understand it, he couldn’t believe it. 

The weird haunting sense that he was, once again, terribly alone was there. Floating, on the surface. But it didn’t sink in. There was no James, no Lily, no Sirius... This time, for good.

The fight was a blur in his mind. He wasn't sure how it ended. Death Eaters were arrested, wounded people were taken to St. Mungo’s. He wasn’t sure how he arrived at Grimmauld Place, but here he was, standing in the middle of the kitchen.

Tonks had tried to hug him afterwards and he pushed her away saying he wanted to be left alone. There was something thick and bitter in the back of his throat, a heavy massive pain in his chest.

But Harry was safe now.

Suddenly, something cracked inside of him. Adrenaline running through his body and grief boiling hot and terrible in his chest.

Sirius wasn’t there. Sirius would never come back. He wasn’t at Hogwarts, or at the Ministry, not even in Azkaban. Sirius was dead. And there was no coming back.

“Sirius?” His voice escaped hoarse and aching. 

He felt void. Maybe he would never be able to feel things again. And slowly, the void creeping inside him started bleeding. Shaping into a myriad of painful turmoil inside his chest. That tightness, that knot, that pain, he was familiar with. He had lived with it for years. And now it was back: 

Remus was alone and he was afraid of being alone again.

He touched the dining table, his fingers roaming the dark, hard, ancient and firm wood. Flashes of Sirius floated in his mind. Images of a boy who had lived unhappily in that house, who had never been properly loved; a pre-teen talking loudly about Hogwarts and being scolded for being Gryffindor; of a rebellious Sirius facing his parents for his muggle-loving friends; a teenage Sirius cursing and dishonoring his own surname by saying loud and clear that he could no longer take any more pureblood bullshite and storming out.

Remus had never seen Sirius with his parents, he could only imagine, trying to visualise how Sirius’ life outside Hogwarts and their friends had been like. 

Sirius... always so strong, so brave...

And here was Remus, in the house of the man he loved, staring at all the small residue of presence Sirius left behind. He felt his eyes sting and the tears rolled down his face in fast succession. Burning him from inside out. 

He lowered his face, feeling the echo of his fears ring through the empty house.

“Sirius...you idiot.”

His voice caught in the back of his throat, shaky and unstable. And the oppression of that huge ancient house, of those dark moldy walls, of the rotten wooden floors that creaked under his feet. It was too much...

Loneliness was plaguing him this time.

He looked up and left the kitchen, unable to think properly; because everything seemed too fast and at the same time too slow, as if he were out of his body, as if he were trapped in an ethereal fog. He went up the stairs, feeling his heart beating desperate and in pain. 

Everything was still in place, the dead elves' heads, the Black monstrosities. Everything was there, everything remained the same, but it was not.

Because Sirius was no longer there, not anymore.

So Remus ran upstairs, like a scared teenager, just like he did when they were young and Sirius confessed his feelings to him, staring at Remus with haunted humid eyes. Remus had been so bloody scared. 

He ran back then and he was running right now. 

He ran into Sirius’ room, opening the door with a loud bang, hinges crying out. Feeling out of breath and out of body. He ripped at his clothes, feeling as torn as the fabric falling to his feet, trying to strip himself from the smell of gore and fight and loss. He felt raw, standing naked in the middle of the room.

Remus threw himself on the bed, clinging to the sheets, sniffing the pillows.

And Sirius’ scent was on everything, on every fabric and on the walls and in the air, and around him. It was like Sirius was there, but he wasn't. Remus thrashed on the bed, rubbing the sheets over his skin, trying to make Sirius’ scent cling to him, hiding his face on the pillows and breathing deeply, biting it with a staggering rage that boiled inside him like lava. Body shaking and mind reeling and heart breaking-

Then he cried freely and shouted for Sirius to hear him, wherever he was.

“You bloody idiot!” he cursed, wanting to offend Sirius to the point of making him come back to life. “Stupid little pureblood shite!” he cried then shook, with the strength of his voice and the feelings coming to the surface. 

He rolled on the mattress, feeling his heart trembling, agitated, desperate, jumping impatiently as if it was trying, as in a suicide attempt, jump out of the bars of his torax and run away.

The pain and fear and darkness started anunciating his definite loneliness.

_º_

_Back, hurry back_

_Don’t take it away from me_

_Because you don't know_

_What it means to me_

_º_

“We must take care of Harry,” Sirius had said, whispering in the dead of night, their bodies still warm and sweaty and tangled in their bed, in the after bliss of love making and desperation. “It’s what we have to do,” he kept saying while Remus ran his fingers in his tangled long jet black hair. “Whatever happens, if one of us...you know, dies, the other must keep Harry safe.”

“Don’t say that,” Remus had chastised, sniffing, and bringing Sirius’ body closer to him, feeling his fingers playing with the hairs on his chest.

“It’s war again, Remus. You know people die in wars. We must do it, for the three of us, promise me?”

Sirius had fixed those piercing grey eyes on Remus, with determination and dread, and Remus nodded.

“Of course, Sirius. We will keep him safe.”

They had promised, between kisses, and love declarations and silence. A silence so thick and real. Whispering about the future, dreaming of a time after the war, a time in which the three of them would be a family, once everything was over. They would see Harry grow and become a wonderful young man.

But this future would never come now. Sirius would never see Harry become a strong fair man, would never see him happy. Sirius would never be by their side again.

Remus stirred in the cold bed sheets. The grey light of dawn breaking outside and shadowing the room with cold light. He trembled with the realisation that no one would hold his hand when times were dire, Sirius would not break the fear of war into pieces with his bitter laugh. Remus would need to hold himself from now on.

Again.

“You left me all alone again, you arsehole...” he muttered into the pillow, gripping the soft fabric with such a fierce strength it almost ripped under his fingers. A frozen sensation made itself felt, settled in his stomach, then spread all over his body.

There was no coming back.

It was just Remus, the loneliness and the fear. Sirius wouldn’t come back from the dead, and Remus would need to be strong for both of them and keep Harry safe.

“I’m so scared...” he muttered to the empty room.

_º_

_Love of my life, you've hurt me_

_You've broken my heart, and now you leave me?_

_Love of my life, can't you see?_

_º_

Remus washed his body slowly, using the soap Sirius used. Feeling the scent on his skin, washing away the stink of fight and fear and despair. He dressed quietly, feeling shaken and disoriented, looking around the room with a sense of loss he couldn’t shake off. Their room. The room where they loved and fought and cried. The room where their whispered promises of the future.

A future that would never come. 

It was time to leave.

Remus took their picture frame and shrank it to fit in his pocket, then opened the drawer and collected some personal belongings, making a point of taking some of Sirius’ that were already part of himself. He dragged himself to the door and looked back, feeling his heart almost burst with pain. His hands were shaking and his chest was burning, but he couldn't stay there any longer. He would never return to that place.

He went down the stairs slowly, breathing and swallowing all the remnants of Sirius in the house inside his heart, to never forget, to feel less alone, to find the strength to endure reality.

Remus stared at the living room and then at the kitchen, seeing the book he had just finished reading yesterday morning, tossed in the corner of the table. There were so many fragments of the life they shared...

It was time to go, being there would only increase the pain. He crossed the narrow hall and started down the entrance staircase, stopping just a second to close his eyes and take a deep breath.

Incredible, how he could still feel on his lips the awkward and chaste kiss that Sirius had given him all those years ago, when Sirius chased him after the post-confession run - gods, so many years ago, in the beginning of their sixth year at Hogwarts.

Remus could still feel the warmth of Sirius' lips as if it were yesterday, his steady hands clutching his shoulders so Remus wouldn't run away again and the agitated breath they shared once their lips parted, and the deep wet kiss that followed after a shared shy, embarrassed, happy smile.

But Sirius was no longer there, so this house was no longer his place.

A loud cry made him open his eyes with a start and his heart raced with the curses Mrs. Black was screaming on the top of her lungs. That was when, between tears, he smiled sadly, thinking he would even miss this, Sirius telling his mother to shut the fuck up.

He walked silently to her and watched the woman swear at him: scum, traitor, filthy half-breed, monster... He waited. Remus knew she wouldn't stop, but in the first longer space between words he, between tears, took advantage of the gap, saying:

“Sirius died, Mrs. Black,” he murmured, his voice breaking, and for the first time in his life he saw her lose her words and shut up, staring at him in awe, speechless.

He smiled sadly, his face washed with tears, and opened the door, to never return. 

Remus’ chest tightened further and he felt the cold creeping fingers of loneliness around his heart. And, in that same second, when his foot touched the asphalt of the street, he felt a hot breath on his neck and a dog barked in the distance.

He clenched his hands in his pockets and sniffed, feeling the strange fear spread through his spine. He looked up at the sky, facing the shy sun and fearing how many moons were yet to come, how many moons he would have to face alone again. 

How long would it take to see Sirius again?

Then he walked away from the house and watched it disappear between the others, just as Sirius had disappeared beyond the veil. He shivered and spun on his heels, disappearing from Grimmauld Place as Sirius had disappeared from the face of the Earth.

_º_

_Back, hurry back_

_Please, bring it back home to me_

_Because you don't know what it means to me._

_Love of my life, love of my life..._

_º_

**Author's Note:**

> give some love, kudos and comments to this sad author. lol or throw some stones if you feel like it will help managing your emotions. :|


End file.
